Ten Reasons Why I Love Actors

That was sarcastic.

Actually, I do love actors. I spend a lot of time with actors. I enjoy the company of many a fine actor, always good for a laugh or a cigarette. I can't do my job (did I mention? I work in costumes) without actors.

But I have learned a few universal truths about actors over the years, namely:

Sometimes, actors are really, really dumb.

This problem is always at its height on the first dress rehearsal of any production. For some reason, the minute that an actor puts on a costume for the first time, their bodies start to produce some brain chemical that causes them to ask, frankly, a lot of stupid questions. And I mean a lot of stupid questions. Things that would never give a rational person a moment's pause before ("Should I put one arm in this sleeve or both? Should I button these buttons in the buttonholes on the front of my costume? Do you suppose the wig is meant to go on top of my head?") become major obstacles in the life of the young actor.

Now I don't want you to get me wrong here. For the most part, these are not people picking their noses or staring at their feet (or worse, singing showtunes) at a party. These are people who play drinking games and do stupid things and dance and are generally okay to be seen with in public. But the minute someone says something to me like "I know you're busy right now, but could you possibly lace my shoes for me?" I lose my cool. I am currently doing ten other things right now. You have owned shoes for, let's say, the past twenty years of your life, and for probably eighteen of those years, you have understood the basic principle of putting laces through small holes and tying a pretty bunny knot at the top. When I am not trying to solve the crisis-of-the-moment, I would be more than happy to educate you in the finer arts of "over-under-around-and-through," as my kindergarden teacher Mrs. Daly taught me, but for the time being, I would sincerely appreciate it if you would shut the hell up.

This isn't by any means an expansive list, either.... it's just the first thing that's come to mind. I keep thinking about the scenario posed to me by an actor-friend of mine from last year's summer stock, who wondered, "If you were to be locked in a small ski lodge cabin for one long weekend with either twenty cats or twenty actors, which would you pick?" On any given day, I would pick the actors... but switch that to a roomful of actors trying on their costumes for the first time, and give me the cats anyday.